It was a lot of work, trying not to get caught

“It was a lot of work, trying not to get caught. I remember getting up the earliest just so I could be the first in the kitchen. I would grab a bowl and pour a little milk in it, just to stain it. Then, I would pour a portion of cereal into a small bag, put it in my backpack and then throw it in the bin along with my lunch on the way to school. I’d have tissues, chewing gum, perfume and a bottle of water with me at all times. For a while, at home, I was getting away with it, as if I was just going to the toilet after a meal. When it started becoming more and more suspicious I had to hold it longer and go for a walk instead. I remember walking in the dark looking for a spot where nobody could see me. It felt great after… I felt euphoric, light, guilt-free for a little while. I really, really hated myself at the time… So much that I didn’t even look in the mirror anymore. Whenever I started eating something, I would feel bad or wrong eating it and then something would just take over. I could actually feel the moment, that exact point, when it took over… from then on I would relinquish all control and I knew exactly what would happen. It was like living in an abusive relationship, where you know that it’s coming, you know what the other person is about to do to you, but you can’t stop them. I was doing that to myself for years.”

Join Eve Darcy along with a host of performers at Cistin 10th January for a great evening of music and storytelling. A First Fortnight Mental Health Art & Culture Festival Event. This story was highlighted by First Fortnight Find out more in the comments section.