Same-Sex Parenting Series

“We agreed that if we do it, I would be the carrier of our first child because I was getting older and I always wanted to experience pregnancy. We tried IUI and we did it by the book. The way the Irish government wants it for both of us to be able to claim legal parenthood. We used an Irish clinic with anonymous but traceable donors, but unfortunately, it never worked. After trying for two years, it was becoming too expensive to continue. We were heartbroken. We decided to take a break but kept looking at other options. We eventually realised that we could actually create our own experience. One that we could control without expensive clinics. But, instead of me, Elanie would be the carrier. We had no reason to believe that she had any fertility issues because she was always healthy and she came from a large family with lots of nieces and nephews. We decided to do this on our own terms at home. After a lot of deliberation, we chose a donor we knew. We chose my brother; this way our baby will be genetically related to me too. He lives in the States. He has his own family, a wife and four children. He and his partner were so beautifully generous. They said they would love to do this for us! He travelled to Ireland and it was all done from the comfort of our home using a €20 at-home insemination kit. Our daughter knows her donor, Uncle Brian, and will always know him. My brother looks exactly like me in a male form and we have a lot in common. I love looking at photos of our daughter when she was really small; she looked so much like my mom and I can see some of my dad in her too. We’re so lucky in that way. Lots of other gay couples can only have one parent genetically related to their child. We are grateful to live in Ireland, as it’s a lot easier to be a gay couple here than in most other places. On the other hand, it’s a great challenge that I can’t be a legal mom to our daughter just because the IUI didn’t work. We are both genetically connected to her, but legally I am a stranger, which feels utterly unfair.”