peter
“I grew up as an only child, without a father. My mother was working all the time, so I would often be left alone from a young age. I was 7 years old when my uncle – the only male role model in my life – died by suicide. He was my mother’s younger brother, and he was very close to us. My mother grieved through alcohol and wasn’t able to be there for me emotionally. When I was 11, I also discovered alcohol, and at 13, I began using drugs. I am from an area of Swords where open dealing and drug use was normal. Back then, almost every other house was making a living from dealing. I grew up without purpose or goals, and eventually, my role models became the local gangsters and criminals. I used to have this mantra which I recited since I was about 13: ‘Have no feelings and show no emotions.’ This was the recipe for survival in the environment I was living in. There was a constant police presence in the neighbourhood, often with checkpoints within our residential estates. Between the ages of 14 and 18, I was routinely searched daily. It was normal to witness police raids in neighbouring houses. It was commonplace to gather with friends in parks and public places, where we would use drugs. Eventually, I reached a point where I couldn’t afford my drug use, so I began dealing myself, which spiralled into addiction. I would regularly go on 3–4-day binges. I would sniff until I went unconscious, then wake up in random places, rinse my nose, and start over. My life by then was way off the beaten path. My rock bottom was a five-day-long binge without any sleep. This led me to a state of emotional numbness, where I could no longer experience feelings even if I wanted to. At this stage, I was over 10 grand in debt, I was being offered contracts to kill people, I was planning robberies, and I had many close calls from going to jail. I was surrounded by serious criminals with convictions and long jail sentences. People around me were getting murdered or running from murder charges. All of this was just normal life to me. I knew that I was looking at two outcomes: dying of an overdose or going to jail. But that day, on my way home from the fifth day of a binge, something had changed in me…” \
“I felt that I had reached rock bottom and experienced a spiritual awakening with a clarity that is hard to describe. I made the decision break free, and simultaneously, my body began to reject all drugs and alcohol. I left my old self with a firm decision to change my life. When I returned home, I slept for 24 hours. Then, I searched for a local centre online and reached out for help. The person on the phone directed me to a local support group. During the first meeting, I decided to shared my life story. I had never before felt such a profound sense of safety and ease to talk about my life. Before that meeting, anyone I spoke to had a vacant expression in their eyes, devoid of emotion – after all they were active criminals in survival mode. At the centre, I saw calm and clarity in people’s eyes. They appeared purposeful, healthy, and well. It was the first time in years that I had a meaningful interaction. They were open and honest about their experiences, which made me feel secure about opening up myself. For the first time, I saw evidence that a way out existed, and that was all I needed. Now, I am healthier and happier than I have ever been – physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, and spiritually. I feel sharp and strong, which truly surprises me given all the abuse I put my body through. I returned to college to study Counselling and Psychotherapy, and currently, I work with the leading youth work organizations in Ireland. I am a co-founder of a business called ‘Men Rising Together’ a men’s mental health group where we organize hikes, retreats, and mental health workshops, providing aid to individuals who have been through similar challenges. Now, I live a life beyond my wildest dreams. Despite my past, I have no regrets. Evening in my life led me to the position where I am today. I am aware that I am among the lucky 1% that came out on the other end and I don’t take this for granted.”